Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Ugh - The Eating Continues

Honestly, I don’t know what the heck is wrong with me.  I’ve been eating like a pig… just 2 weeks ago I was rejoicing in dropping 12 pounds almost and tonight I was laying on my couch eating an entire tub of spice drops - a TUB I say… you know the ones that have like 1000 spice drops in it?  Yep, ate it.  My neighbor gave it to me as a little token of appreciation for helping her out with her computer.  Some token :( I haven’t eaten sugar and I can’t tell you how long and I figured I’d just have a few, but I didn’t stop till there was like only 20 left and THEN I put it away.  Not when there were like 200 left, nope, just 20.  This was after I ate doritos which I bought at the grocery store after a moment of weakness.  It is the classic case of deprivation.  I deprived myself for so long and then I just went nuts. 

I’ve been really stressed lately and food has certainly become my comfort.  You know, it’s funny.  I help write this blog along with Queenie and she is losing mondo weight and here I am struggling time after time after time.  I research this stuff - I KNOW what to do and what not to do, and yet I can’t seem to break free from my obesity.  Honestly, I’m ready to give up.  I’m ready to accept the fact that I’m fat and will always be fat.  It’s just so frustrating.  I guess as co-writer for this blog I shouldn’t be admiting this, but the fact is I’m not much different from you all that struggle.  I have my moments of complete and utter failure just like everyone else.  I just have to own up to the fact that I can’t give you guys advice if I can’t follow it on my own. 

I want you all to know how much I try - I really do!  I have good intentions every single morning but then they fall to the wayside every time food is involved.  I do good for a month and then I spend 3 months screwing up.  I wonder if that is why you are all deserting us… are you fed up with reading advice and tips from a person that can’t seem to follow her own advice?  I wonder if maybe you are all mocking me every time you click onto this site… or can you relate?  I really don’t know honestly.  I just don’t know.  I’m so sick of being sick and tired.  I’m so sick of being fat.  I just don’t know how much work I can do anymore to take off the weight.  I feel like I have been dieting my whole life - and it is never going to end, and tonight, maybe just for tonight, I can’t deal with it.  Hopefully tomorrow I will wake up and it’ll be another day and I’ll feel totally different and want to get back on the wagon again… I can only hope! 

Sorry for the venting - I just needed to get my frustrations out.  If you are having some of the same issues I would love to hear about it… sometimes I feel so alone in failure that it is hard to believe that I’m not the only obese person the world :(